The journey through India and my soul
Be prepared for a long read, but definitely worth your time. I am sharing my deepest reflections from the time in India… And it is vulnerable, but I hope it will bring some positivity into your life. Or even hope…
After being mostly stuck in bed for over two months, I’m slowly feeling like myself again. It’s been both scary and rewarding. They say we learn the most from tough times, and in my case, it wasn’t a failure, but a hard time dealing with sickness.
It all started with a dream of going to India for a spiritual journey. I had been struggling with a big question for a couple of years, and I wanted to find closure and peace. Going to India wasn’t the plan, but life works in strange ways. I ended up there for a two-week adventure.
Getting to India was a bit of a struggle from the beginning. I already had tickets for a business trip and an important workshop, but something inside me said I had to go to India.
I was sure that this trip would help me figure out my thoughts and problems. My expectations were high.
On September 19th, I found myself on a plane to Delhi. I thought I knew what to expect in India from movies and documentaries, but it surprised me.
From the moment I landed, it felt like a different world. Everything, from the airport carpets to the lack of fresh air, was new and strange.
I won’t go into all the details of what I did and saw in those two weeks; that would take too long. But I’ll share the important things and lessons that affected me.
The journey was about mindfulness, self-discovery, and meditation with like-minded people. We all had our challenges and expectations. I’m not very spiritual yet, so I expected to learn about it, do yoga and meditation, and see the country. I also hoped something would touch my heart, and I’d come home free from worries and full of energy.
But something different happened. I got really sick. I’ve never been so sick in my life. I didn’t even know what I was sick with. I spent 9 days in bed with a high temperature, low energy, and no appetite. It was scary to be sick in a foreign country, far from home, not knowing their healthcare system or anyone who could help.
Some days were so bad that I thought I might not make it home. I was lying in an ashram during a silence retreat, quietly dealing with anxiety and panic attacks in the dark room. Being stuck in bed gave me time to think. Surprisingly, all the answers came to me not during yoga or meditation but through being sick.
While I was lying there, nothing else mattered except two things: the people I loved and the simple things in life. I didn’t care about my goals, money, house, career, or my weight. I only cared about love and the everyday joys like a hot shower or a slow time with a book.
In that dark room in India, I realized that my biggest regret wasn’t about what I didn’t have or achieve. It was about not living life slowly, not enjoying the small things. I had been rushing through my days, always setting new goals without appreciating what I already had.
I cared only about the people I loved. About relationships I cherished, about people I helped to have a better life. I also cared and missed the most simple things in life. I dreamed how I wished to breathe in fresh air, go for a walk around the lake next to my home, just a walk… I missed sitting on my balcony and hugging a fresh cup of coffee. I thought about the biggest joys in life and understood that they are the things we do every day, the small things. The act of taking a hot shower on a cold winter day. The slow time with a book on the sofa.
When I was so sick that some moments I could not feel my arms and legs and could not stand up, I actually did not regret the things I thought I was missing out on in my life. I do not regret that I am not married yet. I did not regret that I do not have kids. I did not regret that I was not winning in my coaching practice. I did not regret the things I did not have. What I regretted was not living my life slowly. Not enjoying my life more every moment. I regretted rushing through my days. I regretted setting one goal, reaching it, and making a new goal right away.
I also prayed a lot during that time. Even though I don’t usually pray, it helped. It was like meditation, repeating words that gave me hope. I promised to love life more, enjoy it more, and be present. The important thing was love — for life, for people, for today.
So, India taught me to choose love. Love for myself, love for life, love for people around me. I found answers and clarity during that difficult time. Life is unpredictable, and we can’t always understand it while it’s happening. But we must live it looking forward.
Somewhere down the road, I became very self-centered. All was about me. And that is probably a consequence of not choosing me for almost a decade when I was in an abusive relationship. And so when I was healing I learned to choose me, choose me first of all. And that is good, but sometimes I can also choose others at the same time. I was so focused on my goals that I often neglected people around me. I had to work on this and that goal and was not giving a lot of my time to people I care about. But the goals meant nothing in India. It meant nothing. So I realized that I wanted to change my priorities.
India wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t want to get sick, but maybe I needed it to find my answers. I still get shivers thinking about the dirty air, streets, and everything being messy. India showed me my flaws, like being judgmental and having fears and anxieties that I didn’t know about.
If I had to describe India in one sentence, it felt like a scary movie combined with a nightmare. My brain couldn’t understand what was happening — bodies being burned by the river, cows walking around, and the lack of fresh air.
But despite the challenges, India made me realize how much love I have to give. I felt blessed for my life, family, and partner. It made me appreciate my life in Europe and the privileges I have.
At the end of the journey, I knew I’d be happy no matter what. Love and gratitude became the focus.
As long as I love, as long as I always choose love and live here and now, I will have a good life. And during many practices there I usually felt so much love. Especially towards my partner. I felt so much respect, adoration, admiration, gratitude. I cannot explain this huge wave of love. I felt so blessed with my life, personality, my heart.
India was tough and not a place I’d want to go back to, but I needed the lessons. Now, two months after battling the illness, I still remember the promises I made to love more, live more, and appreciate every moment. The biggest happiness now is a simple walk in the fresh winter air.
Summary of lessons from India:
- Answers come from within; we don’t need to travel the world to find them.
- Let go of expectations; what we need might be different from what we expect.
- Let go of control; life might have different plans for us.
- Jealousy and attachment can steal our happiness.
- Life is uncertain; cherish the present.
- Stop judging; things might look different tomorrow.
- Remember promises made during tough times.
- Prioritize love, gratitude, and enjoying simple pleasures.
- Trust the universe and focus on the good in life.
- Take care of health and live in the moment.
India was scary. India was terrifying. India was completely different than what I expected. But maybe everything different is scary.
Illness was scary. Illness was terrifying. I did not expect to be so sick, that I could not walk. But maybe it was needed to arrive at the place of peace. I arrived now, and I hope I won’t leave this station too fast. Because when health comes back, when life goes back to normal rhythm it is so easy to slip back to old habits, to old beliefs, to old priorities.
So let me write it down.
TO LOVE MORE. TO LIVE MORE. TO APPRECIATE MORE.
Life will pass, no matter what. Let me not live with regret of what could have happened if I did this or that. Let me live with appreciation and enjoyment. Let me trust in the process…
So thank you India, for all that I got. Maybe this is how you are special…
Your coach,
Irma
If you enjoy reading stories like these and want to support me as a starting writer, consider signing up to become a member of the Medium community. It’s only 5 euros/dollars per month, giving you unlimited access to all the stories here, along with helping me earn a very small commission. If you sign up using my link, I’ll receive a small commission (at no extra cost to you).
Join Medium with my referral link.
If you want to chat with me, ask me questions or just send me a nice encouraging message, you can do it here or by mail connect@irmavalantinaite.com
